You’ve undoubtedly heard of narcissism, which is often regarded as a personality style that’s extraordinarily self-centered at the expense of others (though this only describes some of the symptoms of NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder). Yet somehow, echoism, its closely linked and much quieter child, is completely under the emotional health radar.
According to Maia Niguel Hoskin, PhD, a therapist and DailyOM course creator, “Echoism is often a trauma response to being raised by a narcissistic caretaker. In many cases, when a child grows up with a narcissistic caretaker, they learn through direct and indirect messages that their needs are not a priority and consequently go unmet.” This might look like gaslighting or being told that you’re too sensitive or dramatic.
The end result is the emergence of a subconscious coping mechanism: The child learns to suppress their needs in an effort to avoid disappointment, disapproval, or even abuse. Oftentimes, echoism continues on into adulthood, negatively impacting our relationships with ourselves and others.
Here’s what you should know about echoism and how it might be holding you back in your life.
Interested in learning more? Check out Stop Losing Yourself in Echoism.
Meet Your Teacher: Dr. Maia Niguel Hoskin
Dr. Hoskin is a therapist specializing in trauma and an assistant professor in Los Angeles. An avid researcher, Hoskin studies how social media and popular culture shape how people of color present with mental health conditions and, ultimately, the diagnosis and treatment of those conditions. As a whole, much of her work centers around the concept of identity and what factors shape our identity. To that end, she has supported countless others through life-changing events, including divorce, the passing of a loved one, empty-nest syndrome, the loss of a job, and changing career paths.
What Is Echoism?
Coined by Harvard psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin, echoism is based on the Greek myth of Narcissus, Hoskin tells us. “Echoism is thought to be the polar opposite of narcissism in that an echoist constantly lives in fear that they will be perceived as a narcissist, which causes one to prioritize the needs of others,” she explains.
While this might sound like what’s known as people pleasing, codependency, or a passive or peacemaking personality, echoism is more complex. In many cases, behaviors — such as taking care of family or friends while neglecting your own needs — are performed subconsciously in an effort to keep the echoist from appearing arrogant or self-absorbed, Hoskin says.
Moreover, an echoist creates an identity around putting people’s needs before caring for themselves — and experiences almost debilitating anxiety, guilt, and shame if they don’t, adds Hoskin. “This may look like making sure your family eats dinner every night, but forgetting to eat yourself, to the point that you begin to lose weight or become ill,” she says.
While echoism isn’t an official mental health diagnosis, it’s widely regarded that symptoms vary from person to person and present in varying degrees. In other words, it’s common to relate to some symptoms more than others.
The 5 Signs of Echoism
- You struggle with low self-esteem. Because of a diminished sense of self-worth, you’re more likely to tend to others’ needs at your own expense — and have difficulty upholding your own boundaries.
- You feel like you don’t have a voice. “Difficulty expressing yourself is a symptom often associated with echoism,” Hoskin points out. You might have a hard time standing up for yourself, even in extreme situations, or making everyday decisions.
- You fear the spotlight. “Another sign that you may be an echoist involves the fear of attention,” Hoskin explains. “You may experience extreme anxiety at even the thought of celebrations such as birthdays or weddings being thrown in your honor, and any form of public speaking is definitely an area of tension.”
- Self-blame is the name of your game. This could look like justifying another’s poor behavior — or even taking on the blame yourself. “Echoists are also highly critical of themselves and are never satisfied with anything they do,” Hoskin adds.
- Your ability to empathize is off the charts. “Being overly empathetic toward people who are abusive toward you or who don’t contribute to your happiness and positive mental health can be dangerous,” says Hoskin. It’s interesting to note that some researchers believe that echoists tend to be more emotionally sensitive and deep-feeling.
Why Is Echoism Important to Unpack?
As mentioned above, the unhealthy behavioral patterns and tendencies of an echoist are typically subconscious — and until they’re brought to the surface and understood, they will remain a key driver in the quality of your relationships and your life in general.
We can’t control what happened in our childhood, but we have the power to overcome any habits that no longer serve us. “Understanding the ‘why’ and the root of the behavior helps us to better address echoist behavior as an adult,” says Hoskin.
Reflecting on how your childhood experiences may have contributed to echoism, and how being an echoist is impacting your relationships, is the first step to healing your childhood trauma and putting an end to maladaptive behaviors. Only then can you begin the process of true self-discovery and empowerment.
7 Ways Echoism May Be Impacting Your Life
When overlooked or ignored, echoism can prevent you from living a life of authenticity and meaning. Here, Hoskin shares some key aspects that fall by the wayside when your sense of self is obscured by echoism.
1. You struggle with intimacy and lack of fulfillment in your relationships.
According to Hoskin, “If you were constantly made to feel that your feelings were not valid, or that no one wanted to hear about them when you were younger, you might have walked away believing that no one cares about your problems — and that to be loved, you cannot be emotionally vulnerable.”
Moreover, it could have felt physically dangerous to express yourself to a parent with NPD. According to a research review of 437 studies across the globe, narcissism has been consistently linked with violence and aggression.
When you’re not sharing from a deeper place, this can leave you feeling unfulfilled and anxious, yet trapped in your relationships. “You find yourself on this never-ending hamster wheel, looking to fill a void by pleasing and prioritizing others,” Hoskin notes. “But you never feel fully fulfilled because your needs aren’t being met.”
2. Your sense of identity is obscured, possibly blocking you from self-actualization.
Whenever your behavior is motivated by fear — in the echoist’s case, fear of seeming narcissistic, expressing true feelings, getting attention, and burdening others — you’re not acting in accordance with your intuition.
Instead, you’re taking action to appease others, to the point that you don’t even know what you want or who you are on a deeper level. Until you start to take accountability for your behavior, and decide that you want to change, it’s going to be extremely challenging to grow and feel genuinely fulfilled in life.
3. You struggle to build meaningful connections — and often feel alone.
“Echoists more than likely grew up with a narcissistic caretaker or, at the very least, someone who demonstrated narcissistic traits,” Hoskin says. “So even if you did not have language for what you were experiencing as a child or even as an adult, you remember the sadness and the isolation you felt. You don’t want to cause anyone else to experience that trauma or to appear as being capable of doing so.”
On top of that, you deeply fear burdening another on an emotional level or asking for their time to hear you out. In essence, you expend much of your energy on hiding your real feelings and voice instead of cultivating authentic connections.
4. Your self-esteem and confidence continue to falter.
“As an echoist, you define yourself primarily by being giving, reliable, kind, supportive, empathetic, and selfless,” Hoskin explains. “These are all amazing qualities to have, but when they are excessive or to the detriment of your well-being, this conceptualization of self can become problematic.”
This results in issues related to self-worth. “You think you are only good for what you can do for others, which can harm your self-esteem, self-confidence, sense of self-worth, and overall mental and emotional health,” she adds.
5. Your career or job performance suffers.
A fear of attention, which is common with echoism, can adversely affect things at work, per Hoskin. “For instance, you may become frustrated with a coworker or supervisor for publicly acknowledging your professional accomplishments and contributions, which can create tension and frustration between you and that person and your overall work environment,” she explains.
This might even impact your job performance and create additional barriers to future opportunities for growth, like promotions and raises, or courage to make career shifts. “You may be overlooked and passed up for opportunities that you’re perfectly suited for, due to persistent fear of attention and praise,” Hoskin adds.
6. You’re more likely to stay in unhealthy relationships.
“Being overly empathetic to the wrong people can cause you to stay in abusive relationships that don’t serve you, or are even harmful or dangerous to your mental, emotional, and even physical health and wellness,” Hoskins says.
One study examined the effects of growing up with a narcissistic parent, and found that it can be a barrier to positive self-worth and lead to unhealthy romantic relationships.
7. You have trouble making decisions, both big and small.
It’s common for the echoist to feel overwhelmed by simply choosing the restaurant for a social gathering, let alone deciding on a career path, Hoskin tells us. This can feel debilitating and disempowering in your daily life and in the bigger moments that paint the picture of what your life will look like.
The Bottom Line
It takes a great deal of courage to overcome childhood trauma, to take a stand and acknowledge that you want more out of your life. It’s more than possible to heal from echoism — and with the right guidance, you can rebuild a sense of self and discover more meaning and purpose in your life.
You’re so much more than “giving” and what you can do for another person. You have gifts and talents to share with the world — and if you feel you deal with echoism, it may be time to give yourself the focus and attention you deserve.
