When we’re growing up, we’re often put in emotionally charged situations that we have little control over. Whether it’s watching our parents’ marital issues, being surrounded by financial predicaments we can’t understand, or believing our body isn’t beautiful as it is, most of us can recall feeling powerless at times as a child.
The thing is, our EQs (emotional quotients, also called emotional intelligence) are off the charts when we’re kids — but we develop behaviors to help us feel safe and cope in the ways we know how. Slowly, these maladaptive behaviors get hardwired into our brains and we carry them into adulthood, not even realizing that we may be acting like poor, defenseless children when we’re anything but that.
“I think we need to understand there are certain things outside of our control,” says Emily Spurling, a yoga and mindfulness expert, holistic health coach, and DailyOM course creator. “I’ve seen this in my career and in my marriage, which is now beautiful and blissful. But it wasn’t always, because I was wanting things to be different, and trying to manipulate and control and not accept what is.”
Ultimately, the only thing we can actually control is … ourselves. Instead of putting our focus where we have no power — using all our energy trying to control other people’s feelings and behaviors — it’s up to us to put our attention where our real power lies.
It’s time to let go of what you can’t control, to put yourself first, through nourishing acts of self-care and self-love.
Interested in learning more? Check out Letting Go With Love: How to Stop Over-Caring
Meet Your Teacher: Emily Spurling
Spurling’s journey to self-love began early in life. An anxious child, she suffered in silence, mostly refusing to engage in self-care activities, such as participating in sports or connecting with friends, and endured a turbulent home life. In her late 20s, when she found herself in a “coveted” yet unfulfilling career in mass media, she perpetuated the cycle of silence, this time using drinking and drugs to numb the pain. Eventually, she found yoga and meditation — and everything changed.
“I learned the importance of self-care in my own life, and that’s to be happier, more fulfilled, calmer, and not in a constant state of stress or worry or trying to push aside what is going on in my life,” she says. Through her experiences, she’s developed an extensive toolbox of skills for holistic transformation, which she uses to help countless others move the needle to feel whole again.
What’s the Difference Between Self-Care and Self-Love?
When we think about the concepts of self-care and self-love, we often find ourselves in the classic chicken-or-egg conundrum: What comes first, the self-love or the self-care?
According to Spurling, the self-love piece is a precursor to self-care. “If you love yourself enough, you will realize the benefit and the profound need for self-care,” she says.
That makes sense, given her thoughts on what self-care actually entails: “Self-care includes the things that make you feel like the best version of yourself, whether that’s exercise, what you eat, creating time for connection, creating time for meditation, et cetera.”
So, while self-love might be the basis for self-care, self-care can help you grow your self-love. In other words, self-care is like the food that helps your self-love grow big and strong.
Essential Things to Know About Self-Care
- Self-care is an absolute necessity. “I love the old analogy about how when you’re on a plane, the flight attendant always instructs you to put on your oxygen mask in case of emergency before fitting those beside you,” Spurling shares. The same applies when it comes to self-care. In order to care for those around you, you must care for yourself first.
- It looks different for everyone. “For me, it involves eating well, daily exercise, meditation, different types of exercise, and spending quality time with the people I love and creating special moments with my friends,” Spurling tells us. For others, it might mean getting a massage, journaling, indulging in a good book, or anything that makes you feel good.
- How you practice self-care is meant to be intuitive. “It’s up to the individual to tune into their own intuition and their own set of beliefs to find out what is going to best serve them,” Spurling says. Some people might need a mini daily self-care routine, while others might crave a whole day to themselves each week.
- Self-care is especially important if you’re a caretaker or have a lot of responsibility. “You need to nourish yourself and look after yourself before you can be of any use to anyone else,” Spurling says. “If you’re trying to care for others from a place of depletion, stress, or burnout, it’s pretty obvious that your efficiency in being that caretaker is going to be very, very low.”
Why Is Prioritizing Self-Care Important?
If you don’t take the time to engage in self-care activities, there are palpable, tangible consequences in terms of your physical, mental, and emotional health, Spurling notes. “I find if I don’t do my self-care routines, I’m snapping at my children, I’m a bit grumpy with my husband, I feel like I’m rushing around,” she explains. “I’m not sleeping well, I’m in my head, I’m overthinking, and I’m not being productive.”
In essence, she explains, “It’s sort of like nothing’s going well. And then everyone around you suffers, too, of course.”
Some other telltale signs that you could use a little more self-care in your life: “You’re doing things that you don’t want to do,” Spurling says. “You’re people-pleasing, you’re saying yes to everything when, really, your heart is saying no. You’re probably feeling super stressed, and you might be getting sick all of the time.”
After all, when your mental and emotional health start to fall by the wayside, your physical health usually follows suit.
6 Ways Prioritizing Self-Care Will Transform Your Life for the Better
According to Spurling, self-care can improve every aspect of your well-being. “That’s because we’re all energetic beings," she says. “We’re all emitting a frequency, a vibration that’s palpable. And when you’re not feeling well, you’re angry, you’re stressed, or you’re burned out, it’s almost like a repellent for every single part of your life. So when you change your frequency with self-care and self-love, you change your life.”
Here, Spurling shares more details on how adding self-care practices to your life can make a real difference in uplifting your entire well-being.
1. It boosts your emotional resilience and makes you feel more grounded
Taking time to nurture yourself strengthens your emotional resilience, making it easier to manage stress and setbacks, Spurling says.
“You feel more grounded and respond to challenges with more grace, rather than just by reacting from a place of overwhelm or depletion,” she adds. “We get triggered all the time by the people around us and our circumstances. When you’ve got that self-care [foundation], you’re more resilient.”
2. It improves the quality of your relationships with others
Spurling says it took integrating daily self-care practices for her to see a real difference in how she felt about her marriage and motherhood, too.
“When you value yourself and fill your own cup, you show up more fully for others," she says. “And you’re naturally creating healthier boundaries and more fulfilling relationships, where you can actually give from a place of abundance, rather than obligation.”
3. It fosters higher self-worth and confidence
“Self-love encourages you to recognize and celebrate your strengths, leading to greater confidence in yourself and your abilities,” Spurling shares. “When you feel good about who you are, you naturally take on opportunities with a sense of assurance and are less likely to be swayed by external validation.”
You’re more likely to take aligned action, letting your heart and intuition lead the way, as opposed to succumbing to mind chatter or what you perceive others want from you.
4. It boosts your physical health and energy levels
“Prioritizing self-care often means making healthier choices for your body, such as eating nourishing foods, getting regular exercise, and ensuring proper rest,” Spurling says. “Over time, these habits translate to better physical health, reducing the risk of illness and promoting increased energy and vitality.”
For example, one scientific paper outlines the many benefits of self-care, which include improved well-being, lower mortality rates, and reduced healthcare costs. Another study connects self-care related to diet, exercise, and sleep to enhanced mental well-being in college students.
5. It enhances your mental clarity, creativity, and problem-solving abilities
Per Spurling, “Regular self-care allows for greater focus, creativity, and problem-solving, and it leads to more effective decision-making in all areas of life.”
Self-care that includes mindfulness practices or time spent in nature, or anything that helps you to quiet your mind and reduce mental clutter, can be especially beneficial to your cognitive well-being.
Indeed, a study found that lifestyle factors — including diet and exercise, which are two important forms of self-care — are indicative of better cognitive health in adults, even if the brain is already experiencing signs of dementia.
6. It promotes an overall sense of life purpose and satisfaction
As you tune into your needs and honor them, Spurling says you end up experiencing a deeper sense of purpose and satisfaction in both your personal and professional lives. “It helps you align your life with your values and desires, creating more moments of joy and fulfillment,” she adds.
For example, one study links regular self-care to reduced stress levels and higher quality of life for U.S. medical students.
The Bottom Line
Engaging in regular self-care is a form of self-love that can greatly contribute to your overall well-being.
When it comes to self-care, there are no “shoulds” involved. There aren’t any prescribed activities or number of hours a week you need to devote to yourself; rather, it’s entirely up to you.
While it’s your path to walk, one thing is clear: Making self-care a priority enhances your self-love and, in turn, the love you have available for caring for others and making a positive impact on the world.
