Have you ever gotten all dressed up to go to an event, only to catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and decide that you look awful and need to change immediately? Or maybe you find yourself trying on outfit after outfit, and end up leaving the house feeling less than great in your skin.
The reason we can’t find anything to wear isn’t due to a shortage of clothing in our closets — and it’s probably not because nothing fits. It’s because our own inner critic tells us, repeatedly and endlessly, that we’re not good enough. And sometimes those negative thoughts spiral, going so far as to say we never will be.
“Self-criticism and self-pity are extremely common human behaviors, and to some degree, they’re very normal,” says wellness expert and DailyOM course creator Jessica Crow. “But when we stay stuck in them, we prevent ourselves from moving forward.”
This goes way beyond not being able to land the perfect outfit and leave the house on time. “It’s like putting a heavy weight on your shoulders that you carry into every interaction, relationship, and decision,” Crow says. Until you heal your relationship with your inner voice, it will continue clouding your confidence and inner power — and, in turn, impact every aspect of your life. Here’s why working to stop this cycle is so important for your well-being.
Interested in learning more? Check out Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself and Love Yourself Again.
Meet Your Teacher: Jessica Crow
With a background in behavioral neuroscience, meditation, yoga, and healing practices like massage therapy and breathwork, Crow has been a teacher and wellness leader for more than two decades. “What I love most about my work is witnessing the transformation that happens when people begin to understand themselves better and find real tools for self-compassion and healing (as well as the transformation that happens in me when I continue to learn, guide others, and experience my own breakthroughs),” she says.
This kind of healing is not foreign to her own life either. “I’ve personally navigated challenges related to self-criticism, and I know how much work it can be to stay on track and know what to do as your mindset grows and shifts. So, helping others release those patterns is something I’m deeply passionate about.”
Self-Criticism vs. Self-Pity: What’s the Difference?
“Self-criticism is the harsh inner voice that constantly tells us we’re not good enough, smart enough, or successful enough,” Crow tells us. “Self-pity, on the other hand, is often the feeling that we’re stuck in unfortunate circumstances beyond our control, where we focus on our perceived misfortunes and dwell in a sense of helplessness.”
The two are often closely linked and share a few common denominators, Crow notes. “These habits often develop as a result of early conditioning, maybe from our childhood experiences or societal pressures and conditioning,” she says.
For one, how we grew up can play into both habits. “We absorb these messages from a young age and internalize them as a way to attempt to motivate ourselves, or as a misguided form of self-protection to avoid more failure or rejection,” Crow explains. “But over time, they become detrimental and limiting, yet they remain the ‘comfortable’ option because they’re so familiar and ingrained.”
Key Things to Know About Self-Criticism and Self-Pity
- They’re extremely common. “We all experience negative thoughts at times, especially in moments of stress, loss, or grief, or when we feel we’re falling short of expectations,” explains Crow. “These thoughts often arise from emotions like fear, guilt, or sadness.”
- We tend to feel stuck in them. “They can create a loop, or an endless cycle where thoughts feed into emotions and vice versa, reinforcing each other in a negative way,” Crow says. “This cyclical nature makes these habits challenging to break, which is why it’s so important to consciously address and heal them.”
- Living with these habits can impair your quality of life. Staying rooted in these limiting beliefs and behaviors robs us of joy and inner peace, Crow says.
- Cultivating mindfulness and self-love is the medicine. Breaking free from self-criticism and self-pity — which involves integrating simple tools like guided meditations and journaling into your life — allows us to move toward self-compassion and self-love, in order to foster inner strength and greater clarity about who we are and what we deserve, Crow shares.
Why Is Healing Self-Pity and Self-Criticism Important?
“Self-criticism and self-pity are deeply damaging because they keep us trapped in cycles of negativity, which not only lower our self-esteem, but also block our growth. Our brain stays stuck in a ‘rut,’ running the same language, self-limiting beliefs, and uninspired ideas,” Crow explains. “When we keep criticizing ourselves or feeling sorry for our circumstances, whether consciously or subconsciously (or a mixture of the two), we stay in that fixed mindset, in which change feels impossible and overwhelming.”
Existing in this space doesn’t just hold you back in your mindset; it can take a toll on your overall well-being, too. “The side effects can range from chronic stress, anxiety, and depression to physical symptoms like tension, headaches, insomnia, or fatigue,” Crow notes.
7 Ways Your Life Can Transform When You Overcome Self-Criticism and Self-Pity
The longer we dwell in patterns of self-criticism and self-pity, the more disconnected we become from our true potential, Crow shares. “But there’s always, always the possibility of getting back in line with your true self and blossoming into the best version possible, if you have the right tools that work for you,” she adds.
With that in mind, here are some of the most empowering, positive changes — on physical, mental, and emotional levels — that you can expect to experience when you do the inner work to trade negative looping thoughts for self-compassion.
1. You may develop a newfound sense of resilience and inner strength.
“When you move from self-criticism to self-compassion, you become more resilient in the face of challenges,” Crow says. “Rather than seeing setbacks as proof of your inadequacy, you recognize them as a normal part of the learning process, which helps you bounce back more quickly.”
This might be because self-compassion can literally calm your body. For example, one study found that compassion steadies the heart rate, which switches off the body’s threat response, cultivating a space where you’re able to be more conscious of your actions and reactions. (Not to mention that your nervous system is able to move from “fight-or-flight” to healing mode.)
2. You may feel more emotionally balanced and harmonious.
“Self-compassion helps create emotional stability by softening the inner critic and fostering kindness toward yourself,” Crow says. “This leads to a greater sense of peace, where you’re no longer swept away by feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy.” For example, researchers found that university students with higher levels of self-compassion felt more energetic, alive, and optimistic. In other words, the students who extended compassion to themselves while under pressure felt shifts in their well-being, too.
3. You can nurture deeper, more connected relationships.
According to Crow, “By cultivating compassion for yourself, you begin to extend that same compassion toward others. This can dramatically improve your relationships as you stop projecting your inner criticism onto the people around you and start approaching them with empathy and understanding.”
This, in turn, helps improve all kinds of relationships, from romantic partnerships to friendships to connections with your colleagues and even strangers you interact with during the day.
4. Your motivation, inner drive, and confidence may improve.
Simply put, “Self-compassion can boost your motivation more than self-criticism ever could,” Crow says.
“When you’re kind to yourself, you’re more willing to take risks and try new things because failure no longer feels like a personal flaw. This builds confidence over time and can feel empowering,” she tells us.
5. Your physical health, sleep, and creativity may get an upgrade.
“There’s growing research that shows how self-compassion can reduce stress and its negative impact on the body,” Crow says. “By quieting the inner critic, you reduce tension and anxiety, which can lead to improvements in everything from your immune system to your sleep quality to your creativity.”
In fact, one study found that participants who reported higher levels of self-compassion experienced better mood and self-control when it came to their eating and exercise behavior in the hours following an overeating setback — which suggests that self-compassion could help you approach weight loss and body image with greater ease.
6. You may experience greater clarity and focus.
“Self-criticism clouds your judgment and narrows your focus to your flaws, but self-compassion opens up space for self-awareness and clarity,” Crow says. “When you stop fixating on what’s wrong with you, you can focus on what you truly want to accomplish in life, and define and take action on the steps to take to get there.”
In other words, compassion — not criticism or pity — is key to achieving what you really want to experience.
7. You may feel greater freedom and joy in your daily life.
Per Crow, “One of the most profound benefits of moving to self-compassion is the sense of freedom it brings. You’re no longer weighed down by constant judgment and disappointment, which allows you to experience more joy, spontaneity, and lightness in your everyday life.”
She also adds that this is the true meaning of mindfulness: being present in each moment of life with more peace and awareness.
The Bottom Line
Your harsh inner critic has a simple role: to keep beating the drum of “I’m not good enough” and “woe is me.” If we choose to let it be, it will unconsciously (and sometimes even consciously) minimize our self-worth and relentlessly wreak havoc on every aspect of our lives, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
You are enough. Actually, you are more than enough. You always were — and always will be.
Read that again.
Now, perhaps it’s time to show yourself what you know to be true by choosing to let go of self-criticism and self-pity and replacing it with compassion, once and for all.
